Miracle cures and snake oil: The craziest Florida Man headlines
Ah the mythical Florida man. Yes, the Florida man headlines are hilarious. Yes, they make you wonder just what’s in the water of Florida. Mostly though, it’s the joke of the internet. Because no one place in the world seems to have a sharp rise of people being weird, dumb, and dangerous things like Florida appears to have. Seriously! It’s like some sort of talent if you live in the state.
For the rest of us that have impulse control and common sense, these Florida man headlines just leave us in stitches. Why does an archbishop of a Florida church like that selling bleach for a miracle cure is a good idea? Why is a guy feeding bagels to an alligator? It’s all a mystery. Florida is just that kind of place and the rest of the US doesn’t know what to make of this state.
So he was angry that he got too much money?
Dude, bro, why? You get angry with the ATM eats your card. You get angry when the ATM gives you less money. You don’t beat up the ATM when it gives you more money. Unless it wasn’t free. Then you get angry with it.
There’s a taco joke in here somewhere
So a car catching fire at a Taco Bell? Vaguely normal. Taco Bell doesn’t have the same eldritch energy as Waffle House, but weird things can show up. But tacos are not a valid form of ID at Taco Bell, my friend. You just can’t show a taco and have everything be alright. Not with the car on fire in the background.
Did he break into the zoo or?
People try to get around the “no pets” rule in apartment buildings in all sorts of ways. Opening your own zoo? Or having zoo animals in your place? It’s a new one, we have to admit. But also why? Like the animals in a lot of zoos are already looking pretty sad enough as it is. All of them in a tiny cramped apartment? Won’t someone think of the animals, please?
Ah yes, Florida man meets Florida woman
When a Florida man falls in love with a Florida woman, they make some odd headlines together. We have questions about this one too. Neither of them tried the door? Or did they think it was a “push” door when it was really a “pull” situation? Like how did they not try? Were they high? I think they were high.
That’s one way to tell kids the facts of life
Learning about sex from a man screaming about it on the top of the jungle gym isn’t the ideal way to go about the subject. On the other hand, it was probably more accurate than what is being taught in most sex education classes in the US today. Also, that is the face of a man who has no regrets.
You know the kid in A Christmas Story who just wanted a BB gun for Christmas? I think we found him all grown up now. Look at Ralphie, blowing up chickens with whiskey bombs and still wanting that freaking BB gun.
Times are tough
Okay, sure, leaving a job application at a place that you just robbed probably isn’t the smartest idea we’ve ever heard in our lives. But maybe he thought he could beef up security. He did rob the place, after all! He knows where the holes are. Or he’s just stupid. It’s both valid options.
He’s going to see his pals one way or the other
The man was going to jail one way or the other. And he’s getting his wish. Now he gets to see his friends pretty often.
Okay this is pretty funny
Attempted murder is not funny. But what is funny is that he named the machete Kindness and told them that he will kill them with it. It’s A+ being a criminal there, buddy. We’re going to hell for laughing at this, but at least the joke was worth it.
Gross, but impressive
Seriously, once this guy is out of prison, get him to Cirque du Soleil. Because clearly he has some acrobatic talent.