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'Game of Thrones' sex scenes honestly feel like something to pass the time in-between decapitations. With that in mind, here are the worst scenes.

Game of Thrones sex scenes: Deranged, depraved, or just daft?

Finding love on HBO’s Game of Thrones universe is kind of like trying to find free healthcare in America; you might get lucky, but it will probably take place in a remote mountain shack, performed by a man with too much facial hair, and there’s a very high probability that you will die immediately afterwards.

Now that the show is over and we have the benefit of time to think back on this cultural eyesore and its dominance over pop culture, we can confidently state, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that Game of Thrones is terrible.

We know that’s a real hot take in 2020, but we’re not afraid to say it: Game of Thrones is garbage and the sex scenes are even worse.

What’s so upsetting is that Game of Thrones was an HBO property! Weird, wonderful sex on HBO is almost a given: who can forget Vampire Bill (Stephen Moyer) crawling out of the dirt to get it on with Sooooooooooookeh (Anna Paquin) on HBO’s True Blood? Or the most awkward threesome every portrayed on film with HBO’s Insecure? Or whatever the teens are doing on HBO’s Euphoria?

Game of Thrones sex scenes are heavy on the boob, light on the pleasure, and it honestly feels like something to pass the time in-between decapitations. 

With that in mind, let’s go through a running commentary on the worst ones.

Hey, remember when Khal Drogo raped a barely teenage girl?

In A Song of Ice and Fire, Daenerys (Emilia Clarke) is 13 when she is wed to Khal Drogo (Jason Momoa).

He rapes her on their wedding night.

What’s so fun about this horrible relationship is that they are frequently described in the media as one of the healthiest couples on the show.

Verdict: Deranged

Hey, remember when Jaime raped his sister?

We are honestly trying not to make this one long list of rape scenes from Game of Thrones, which is genuinely difficult, because so much rape happens on this show.

But it’s hard to forget “Breaker of Chains;” the third episode of Season 4.

Here is the official statement HBO released after the episode:

“We were deeply dismayed to see this and find it unacceptable, disrespectful, and in very bad taste. We made this clear to the executive producers of the series who apologized immediately for this inadvertent, careless mistake. We are sorry this happened and will have it removed from any future DVD production.”

Just kidding!

That was actually an HBO press release after the Season 1 finale featured a prop head of President George W. Bush impaled on a spike.

For the incest rape scene, HBO seemed pretty cool with it.

During the highlight of the episode, Jaime Lannister (Nikolaj Coster-Waldau) returns from his long imprisonment to find his sister Cersei Lannister (Lena Headey) mourning the loss of their incest baby. Apparently dead children get him in the mood, because he then forcibly takes her on the rotting corpse of their child. 

Verdict: Depraved

Aunt/nephew lovin’

Daenerys and Jon Snow (Kit Harrington) are aunt and nephew, respectively.

They have sex.

The directors really tried (and failed) to make this a romantic moment. 

Also, in the next season he stabs her in the gut and watches her bleed out and die in front of him.

Verdict: Deranged

Pod, lover of ladies

There is a joke in the third season that sweet, good-natured Pod (Daniel Portman) is such an incredible sex machine that he visits a brothel and all of the women insist he keep his money because he is just that good.

This brings up an interesting point about capitalism; the exchange of goods and services in return for payment. The ladies at this brothel are selling their bodies in return for payment. There is much to be said about the decriminalization/acceptance of sex work, which will not take place in an article on weird Game of Thrones sex scenes, but it does remind us of a quote by the Reverend Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

As he famously said, “The profit motive, when it is the sole basis of an economic system, encourages a cutthroat competition and selfish ambition that inspires men to be more concerned about making a living than making a life.”

All this to say, it is a nonsense plot point that hardened sex workers would be so awed by the penis of some lower-rung service worker with the honest-to-seven-gods name of ‘Pod’ that they insist he keep his money.

Verdict: Daft

The Greyjoys have a touching reunion on a horse

And by ‘touching’ we mean that Theon Greyjoy (Alfie Allen) inadvertently fingered his sister Yara (Gemma Whalen) on a horse when he returned home to the Iron Islands.

What’s sad is that is not even the third-worst thing to happen to him on this show.

Verdict: Deranged

The only sex scene we approve of

In the second season, the Red Witch Melisandre (Carice van Houten) and typical middle-child Stannis Baratheon (Stephen Dillane) plot to place Stannis on the Iron Throne, which leads to sex on a war room table.

Melisandra promised Stannis she would give him a son, which is . . . technically correct? She does give him a shadow baby that emerges as mist out of her open womb to murder people, and it is one of the only interesting sex scenes to take place on this hellish chore of a television series.

Verdict: Depraved, but in a good way

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