Should ‘America’s Got Talent’ still have a place on our screening schedules?
We’re sure many of you will be pleased to know America’s Got Talent has been renewed for a thirteenth season. OMG, right? Because twelve years of Simon Cowell and his shiny-faced minions preying on society’s most vulnerable is not enough. We want more ruthless auditions, more talentless saps held on pedestals, and more fires from Cowell’s cannon!
Yes, in 2018 you can fill your face with creamy AGT pie, as Cowell and Co. – Howie Mandel, Heidi Klum, Mel B, and Tyra Banks – will be back for their annual bloodbath.
Sarcasm aside, we can’t help but despair at the thought of yet another round of this substandard show. And it’s not just America’s Got Talent that’s renewed for 2018 – there’s The Voice, Dancing with the Stars . . . the list goes on. Every year we have to suffer a WTF level of stupidity as the general public debates over which haircut sang the loudest cover of Katy Perry.
To ease the pain of this prospect (which we’re sure you’re feeling too), let us rant together about all the reasons why talent show TV is the absolute pits. Vitriol at the ready!
America’s got talent . . . . Really?
Do you even know who won America’s Got Talent last year? A girl with a pink puppet. And the year before? A nondescript singer with a ukulele. Before that? A dude with a puppet. And before that? Another nondescript singer (sans the ukulele). Starting to see a pattern here?
Watching these shows is like experiencing the worst kind of Groundhog Day, where instead of Bill Murray trapped in a time warp, the viewer is forced to endure endless reels of waltzing dogs, prepubescent pop groups, and yodeling comedians in animal suits. When will it end!?
And don’t even get us started on Dancing With the Stars, renewed this year for a 26th motherfuckin’ season. How many times can one watch a bunch of sequined ex-politicians get dragged around a dance floor?
Talent-show judge criteria must-haves:
- Ability to cry at sad backstories
- Ability to cry at the popular kids
- Ability to mock the mentally unwell
- Ability to push a button
- Additional note for female judges: Must have a shiny face, hair, and teeth and must feel comfortable thrusting tits into the faces of crying children:
The Voice: Replacing talent with mediocrity & banality
Some of the worst TV talent shows are set on destroying modern-day music as we know it. The charts are rife with manufactured pop music, spurred on by shows like The Voice and the now-finished American Idol. There’s a major difference between talented songwriters and pretty faces with good pitch.
As infamous comedian Bill Hicks once put it, “When did mediocrity and banality become a good image for your children? . . . I want someone who plays from his fuckin’ heart!”
There’s so much more binge-worthy content out there
A headsup to the people who still watch America’s Got Talent: you do know we’ve got Netflix now, right? And Amazon, and Hulu, and Shudder, and the rest. Why not turn off the glorified freak shows and crack on some real TV? Perhaps then we won’t have to endure another twenty years of relentless repetition. Just an idea.