Celebrity sex scenes: The ones so bad you’ll need to close your eyes
There’s something uncomfortably fascinating about a bad sex scene in a movie. Like how can two celebrities who knows how to act simulate sex so horribly? Yes, the use of intimacy consultants on sets is on the rise. But, also, chemistry, especially in movies where the audience believes that the couple is into each other, definitely should be key here.
So what celebrity sex scenes are the absolute worst in the world? What sex scenes are so utterly bad that you have to ask “no one thought to do a chemistry reading”? There are a lot of those scenes out in the universe. Here are some of the worst of the worst to make you cringe, but you can never really look away.
Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan (50 Shades of Grey)
Yes, it’s time for the obligatory 50 Shades of Grey is bad representation of the BSDM community and, arguably, the act of sex as a whole. Now, admittedly, there’s not a lot of to work with in regard to building the sexual chemistry via the E.L. James novel. But, oh boy, Johnson and Dornan just are so awkward on the screen together.
It’s about as sexy as watching two fish flop around. Arguably, both Johnson and Dornan are attractive. It’s just . . . not working on a chemistry level. At all. More to the point, when the two are trying to do the scenes in the playroom, it’s more uncomfortable than anything else.
Malin Akerman and Patrick Wilson (Watchmen)
Before HBO explored the world of Alan Moore’s Watchmen correctly, or as close to correctly as possible, Zach Snyder gave it a shot with the 2009 film version. It’s . . . bad. Like one of the worst adaptations of a comic of all time bad. Like people are demanding the release of the Snyder cut and those of us who sat through Watchmen are wondering why.
The most uncomfortable scene, the pinnacle of awkward, is the sex scene between Patrick Wilson’s Nite Owl and Malin Akerman’s Jupiter. It’s king of cringe-worthy scenes in a flat out cringe-worthy movie. Oh boy, if you like Leonard Cohen’s “Hallelujah”, then just never watch it. Shrek used that song better than this sex scene.
Madonna and Willem Dafoe (Body of Evidence)
Body of Evidence is a 1993 erotic thriller film that scored the rarely used NC-17 rating by the MPAA. Oh boy, it’s . . . bad. There’s a reason why Madonna doesn’t have a film career anymore and Body of Evidence should be exhibits A through G as to why. Nothing really tops the scene with Madonna, Dafoe, and some candle wax.
No kink-shaming, do whatever you want in the bedroom, but wow you’d think these two never had sex in their lives. Between Dafoe’s uncomfortable looking sex faces and the cringe of Madonna licking wax off his body (just why), the whole scene will leave you feeling decidedly less sexy than when you started watching it.
Zoe Saldana and Sam Worthington (Avatar)
Anyone else still baffled as to why we’re getting like four Avatar sequels when no one really talks about the original 2012 film anymore? Or why there’s a new park at Disney? Most people, when they hear Avatar, think Avatar: The Last Airbender before Na’vii comes into play. We’re not 100% sure what’s going on here either. What we do know is that the sex scene between Saldana and Worthington was . . . strange.
Avatar is a PG-13 movie so the sex scene isn’t graphic, but it is heavily implied. We’re talking about when Saldana and Worthington join ponytails because that’s how Na’vii have sex?
Yes, it is between an alien and a guy in an alien body so different rules apply. But, also, why. It’s more uncomfortable and Avatar feels like a million years already. The scene could’ve been cut.