Sass your group chat: These jokes are the definition of sarcastic
Trust us. Your friends love it when you pull out sarcasm. They may be rolling their eyes or giving you that ‘If you don’t answer me seriously I’m going to kill you’ face, but they dig it. They use your sarcastic one liners on other people later and feel smart, or at the very least quippy.
In order to give them more ammo for their sarcastic arsenal you need to use these sarcastic jokes on them, or at least share it with them in your group chat. They will thank you even if they don’t say it in so many words. These jokes are the definition of sarcastic and they deserve to be shared.
Alcoholism in a nutshell
It feels great to tell someone to give up a bad habit – as long as that person isn’t yourself.
Such an amateur mistake.
Somewhere over the rainbow. . .
. . . there’s a person who cares.
Wow, that’s one snarky 2nd grader
We wonder if the kid got points for his answer.
Competing for excellence in the realm of idiocy
It’s one of the few types of perseverance not rewarded.
Way to rub salt in the wound.
For that one nosy punk
It’s like the grown-up version of “I’ve got your nose!”
Fake apologies are the best
It’s the kind of sarcasm that really hits the spot.
And now for some hilarious one-liners:
Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand.
Two wrongs don’t make a right, take your parents as an example.
Your Instagram makes you seem so fun!
I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas. She told me “Nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace” So I bought her nothing.
Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
If I promise to miss you, will you go away?
My girlfriend was complaining last night that I never listen to her. Or something like that. . .
I can totally keep secrets. It’s the people I tell them to who can’t.
Writing a horror screenplay. It starts off with a ringing phone. The person answers, and it’s their mum saying “I have a computer question.”
Oh. . . . I didn’t tell you? Then It must be none of your business.
If you’re here, who’s running hell?
How is it that I always seem to buy the plants without the will to live?
Sometimes the only way you can feel good about yourself is by making someone else look bad. And I’m tired of making other people feel good about themselves!
Light travels faster than sound, which is why people like you appear bright—until they open their mouths.
Suicide: Man’s way of telling God, “You can’t fire me, I quit.”
To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.
Did something bad happen to you, or are you just naturally this terrible of a person?
Those of you who think you know it all are really annoying to those of us who do.
My son asked me what it’s like to be married so I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy, so I got drunk.
I didn’t say it was your fault. I said I was blaming you.
Dear Lord: The gods have been good to me. For the first time in my life, everything is absolutely perfect just the way it is. So here’s the deal: You freeze everything the way it is, and I won’t ask for anything more. If that is OK, please give me absolutely no sign. OK, deal. In gratitude, I present you this offering of cookies and milk. If you want me to eat them for you, give me no sign. Thy will be done.
Last night in my dream I was peeing in bed. Dreams do come true I realized in the morning.
When I see ads on TV featuring smiley housewives using some new cleaning product, the only thing I want to buy are the meds they’re clearly on.
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body… men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.