FILF: Fictional TV felons we’d love to get freaky with
Because it’s summer and apparently the heat has gone to our heads, the Film Daily newsroom has recently been awash with sordid discussions regarding which TV criminals are the absolute hottest. Thirsting for a sexy TV felon is a safe way to explore all those bad awful feelings you secretly harbor about naughty behavior and questionable morals.
In real life, few people want to hook up with cannibals or con artists unless there’s some sort of tasty financial reward at the end of it, but on TV there’s something about these characters that makes us want to break out the cuffs. Here’s our ranking of the thirteen hottest TV felons we’d love to get filthy with.
Tom Keen (Ryan Eggold): The Blacklist
Holy shit, y’all. Tom Keen is basically a professor in the streets and a savage spy in the sheets and we’re so here for it. Who knew he was packing all those abs under those corduroy suits and pocket protectors? The dude has muscles up to his eyebrows and brains to boot and we’d let him sabotage the shit out of us. We’re not even sure what that means but we’re certain we want it.
12. Stella Carlin (Ruby Rose): Orange is the New Black
The inmates of Litchfield might have called her Justin Bieber, but it definitely wasn’t enough to salt our desire for this particular felon. Ink our flesh and make us her bitch because we’d happily get locked up with Stella (even if she is a backstabbing Bieber-esque fool).
11. Miguel Alvarez (Kirk Acevedo): Oz
HBO’s original prestige show was stacked full of hot, naked dudes being thrown into solitary over whatever stupid shit they’d done that day. But above and beyond, the best will always be Miguel Alvarez, who was a little bit dumb and extremely violent but also full of that deep tortured conscience for his actions that we could eat up by the spoonful.
10. Paul Spector (Jamie Dornan): The Fall
This is a tough one, ladies and gentlemen. On the one hand, the dude is a heinous misogynist whose only real joy in life comes from raping and slaughtering women. On the other, he’s played by Jamie Dornan and we’re only human.
9. Ryan Atwood (Ben McKenzie): The O.C.
Sure, the TV show perpetuated the lie that bad boys like Ryan Atwood can be fixed by love, a good home, and an endless supply of bagels (particularly when they’re smeared by Peter Gallagher), but we don’t care. Ryan went from juvie to dreamy in less than one episode and continued to punch rich kids who frankly had it coming.
All of this makes our feelings for him so hot and gooey, they could smear like cream cheese over a Cohen family bagel.
8. Virginia Loc (Karrueche Tran): Claws
Is it Virginia’s tiny outfits that drive us crazy with desire? Yes. Is it the way she killed her abusive asshole boyfriend with nary a moment of regret? Also yes. Virginia is ludicrously hot and badass but she’s also strong and tenacious, committing crimes for all the right reasons and looking stupidly sexy while doing so. Let’s just say we’d put those claws of hers to good use.
7. James “Sawyer” Ford (Josh Holloway): Lost
Sawyer was a conman? Or something? We can’t quite remember but we do recall him being some kind of a criminal with luscious hair and deep dreamy eyes who gave us a sexual awakening at a pivotal time.
We’re especially crazy about him bringing a pair of glasses along to this mysterious island because – have mercy on us all – that’s a look. If we were stuck on a supernatural desert island owned by J.J. Abrams (Cloverfield), we’d rather have Sawyer and his book collection over fresh water and food.
6. Alex Vause (Laura Prepon): Orange is the New Black
Whatever we said about Stella forget it, because Alex is the OG stud of Litchfield who has the power to turn us into a human hosepipe of sexual impropriety with little more than a simple adjusting her glasses. Lawd have mercy.
5. Jackson “Jax” Teller (Charlie Hunnam): Sons of Anarchy
We don’t remember much from our bingewatching days of this biker show besides Jax and his habit for baring his ass to the camera and taking off his top to shout at people and brood and look angry and all that stuff. We’d let him ride us like a hog – fast, loud, and filthy – and then we’d bake him cakes with shivs in the center whenever he winds up in prison.
4. Nancy Botwin (Mary-Louise Parker): Weeds
There are few things as alluring in this life as a good girl gone bad and suburban housewife turned savage Nancy is the MVP of them all. We’d keep the scene where she delights in Zack Morris (or Mark Paul Gosselaar as he apparently wants to be known now) spanking the hell out of her around our necks in a chain necklace forever if we could. She’s the baddest bitch and we love her.
3. Russell “Stringer” Bell (Idris Elba): The Wire
He’s ruthless, calculating, and ridiculously smart, which are all things that inexplicably make our flesh ignite with sexual wonder. He might have been the second in command to Avon Barksdale’s drug kingpin, but we’re almost certain he should be the first in command in the bedroom. You know, if he didn’t get his sweet ass taken out in S3. (We’ll never forget you, Stinger!)
2. Lorne Malvo (Billy Bob Thornton): Fargo
Why is Lorne so hot and when did Billy Bob get sexy? It’s a question sexy scientists the world over will be asking for decades to come while swooning over his ability to look suave and take out an entire building of mobsters in one clean sweep. Yes, Lorne is psychotic and violently impulsive, which ends well for absolutely nobody in the show.
But hell that also means he’s spontaneous, right? And we’d let him be spontaneous all over our whole damn body.
1. Dr. Hannibal Lecter (Mads Mikkelsen): Hannibal
Look, we know he’s a cannibal whose morbid and disgusting hobby also happens to rhyme with his name, which is weird and kind of stupid, but are we so crazy for still wanting to give the guy a sexy taste of our flesh? We think not.
Hannibal might be deranged and he could turn you into a gourmet feast if you’re rude to him, but he’s also a supremely hot rich dude who knows his way around the kitchen. Honestly, part of us thinks being eaten would be totally worth it just to be eaten by him in the other, less cannibalistic manner. Don’t be prudish – you know exactly what we’re talking about.